An Amicable Split

Couple Therapy

Jerold had already been treated by Valerie for stopping smoking and then for a drink problem two years before coming to see her for the third time. So, with his outstanding belief structure already in place, when Jerold told Valerie he wanted to get back together with his wife, Alena, so they could be more compatible and asked for her help.

It was a similar story to that of many couples who want to get back together because of their young children – but not necessarily for the right reasons. It is quite an intricate position when doing the couples therapy because the therapist has to be so careful to keep each one’s secrets, whilst untangling the mess they have created. Jerold’s complaints about Alena seemed valid, with couples they often are. Her nagging behavior stemmed from childhood traumas and attitudes developed for protection. Her strategies worked for her but later became an irritation to Jerold.

Alena said that Jerold didn’t like her wearing make-up, so she had become sloppy. From a woman used to power dressing, she now spent most of her time in leggings and T-shirts. Her whole image had changed and said that some of her friends no longer recognized. When broaching this with Jerold, his story was a little different.

When he had said he didn’t like her wearing make-up, he meant the ‘power’ make-up she wore for work. To him, it was unfeminine. Alena had misinterpreted his remark and obliged by not wearing any make-up at all. She thought she was pleasing him. The result was a drastic change in her own image, which she didn’t like and neither did he. There was a lack of communication, resulting in an accumulation of problems and a change of behavior in them both whereby they simply grew more apart.

Couples are seen together for the first session, and from there the irritations soon surface. The next two to three sessions are conducted on a one-to-one basis. Those irritations – even something that looks simple, such as nail-biting, nagging, over-dressing or under-dressing – can be the key to the trauma problems. The lover is always the first to see these faults when the relationship is in trouble. Relatives generally think these flaws are part of the personality, while the person accepts them as traits or parts of their make-up.
Once the treatment is completed, then both have a better chance of a happy relationship – but not always together. The advantage is that they will see it sooner, rather than later.

Jerold and Alena stayed together for a year and then separated. They had genuinely tried to make a go of it and then, realizing it finally wasn’t going to work, they were able to release each other from what would have been a lifetime of suppression. Now they are living happily apart and are very good friends, their children ensuring a lasting bond between them, while at the same time they are both free to find a more compatible partner.